The last few days have been a struggle, to say the least. I'm overwhelmed, stretched thin, verging on full blown depression, and I have zero desire to do anything because it all feels overwhelming.
I have no idea how we get from here to there, and the amount of work in between those two points seems insurmountable. This kind of head space isn't normal for me. Once I set my sites on something, I forge ahead full throttle until that shit gets done. From the wax stuff to the farm, to just life in general- if you put something in front of me and I decide that's what I want.. good luck stopping me.
This change feels different. I'm filled with more hesitancy then I ever have before. I'm not ready to be excited about it yet, and I can clearly see all the challenges ahead for such a massive life change. I mean, we're building an entire freaking house - on a bus - in less then 8 months. And we have to consider all of these variables that you don't normally have to with a stationary house... like, how do we keep the cereal and canned foods from sliding out and crashing to the ground, while still being easily accessible when we need them? How do we fit 4 people and 5 animals comfortably into a space smaller then most hotel rooms, and still have a 'normal' life with full sized appliances and a bathroom with a flushing toilet?
On top of that, we have to get our house up to par (new carpet in the living room and bedrooms and the basement carpet cleaned, paint touched up, broken tiles fixed, and a ton of little things here and there fixed up) and find a way to balance getting rid of all of our shit while still keeping just enough shit to still be able to live. This house HAS to get sold, and so we need to list it as soon as we can, which is contingent on getting the bus to a 'done' enough state to live in.
I guess the hardest part of all of this is that not even 3 months ago, I was still full-steam-ahead with plans for the farm. I've worked my ass off to grow a customer base, learn everything I could about growing ALL the things and keeping the animals alive, healthy, and happy. I've poured myself into this place and I'm still in a state of mourning the loss of all of my hard work, and the future I had set in my mind.
The same bullish me that was forging ahead with the farm, hit a brick wall and is still trying to shake off the stars swirling around my head.
Don't get me wrong- I 110% believe we're making the right choice for our family. I think this isn't just something we HAVE to do to survive- but it is something we need to do to live a life that isn't defined by how much we have or have not struggled that day. While I can realistically see that there will be challenges beyond just building a house meant to survive bumpy roads and potholes, and I know it's not going to be all roses and bubblegum scented unicorn farts- I also know that for our finances, our emotional well being, and our general mental health, this is hands down the best option for each of us.
My mind logically knows this, but my heart is having a hard time reading that particular memo.
One day at a time. Onward and upward.
I have no idea how we get from here to there, and the amount of work in between those two points seems insurmountable. This kind of head space isn't normal for me. Once I set my sites on something, I forge ahead full throttle until that shit gets done. From the wax stuff to the farm, to just life in general- if you put something in front of me and I decide that's what I want.. good luck stopping me.
This change feels different. I'm filled with more hesitancy then I ever have before. I'm not ready to be excited about it yet, and I can clearly see all the challenges ahead for such a massive life change. I mean, we're building an entire freaking house - on a bus - in less then 8 months. And we have to consider all of these variables that you don't normally have to with a stationary house... like, how do we keep the cereal and canned foods from sliding out and crashing to the ground, while still being easily accessible when we need them? How do we fit 4 people and 5 animals comfortably into a space smaller then most hotel rooms, and still have a 'normal' life with full sized appliances and a bathroom with a flushing toilet?
On top of that, we have to get our house up to par (new carpet in the living room and bedrooms and the basement carpet cleaned, paint touched up, broken tiles fixed, and a ton of little things here and there fixed up) and find a way to balance getting rid of all of our shit while still keeping just enough shit to still be able to live. This house HAS to get sold, and so we need to list it as soon as we can, which is contingent on getting the bus to a 'done' enough state to live in.
I guess the hardest part of all of this is that not even 3 months ago, I was still full-steam-ahead with plans for the farm. I've worked my ass off to grow a customer base, learn everything I could about growing ALL the things and keeping the animals alive, healthy, and happy. I've poured myself into this place and I'm still in a state of mourning the loss of all of my hard work, and the future I had set in my mind.
The same bullish me that was forging ahead with the farm, hit a brick wall and is still trying to shake off the stars swirling around my head.
Don't get me wrong- I 110% believe we're making the right choice for our family. I think this isn't just something we HAVE to do to survive- but it is something we need to do to live a life that isn't defined by how much we have or have not struggled that day. While I can realistically see that there will be challenges beyond just building a house meant to survive bumpy roads and potholes, and I know it's not going to be all roses and bubblegum scented unicorn farts- I also know that for our finances, our emotional well being, and our general mental health, this is hands down the best option for each of us.
My mind logically knows this, but my heart is having a hard time reading that particular memo.
One day at a time. Onward and upward.
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